Behind My Scars (A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Fan Fiction)
by turtleturtleturtleturtle
Summary: (Book 1 in "Hidden Behind" Series) Riley never meant to cause anyone pain, she never meant for anything bad to happen. Being so caught up in trying to make everyone happy, her life turned to depression. And she hated herself for it. "The cruelest words about me come from my own mouth." All she needed was a hero, someone to pick herself back up. She just wasn't expecting it to be
1. Chapter 1: Hidden Behind

It was just another evening in New York City. Car horns and the smell of fresh coffee filled the air. I was your average seventeen year old girl. Small, brown eyed, brown haired, and trying to look for a place in this world. It was 11:49. Eleven minutes till midnight.

I silently opened my window praying that my abusive foster parents wouldn't hear me sneak out. A few moments later I was out of the filthy apartment and walking down a nearby alley. I stopped for a brief moment. The clock struck twelve.

Happy birthday Riley.

Yes today was my birthday, The worst day of the year. I let soft sobs escape my mouth, causing it hard to breathe. The thought of being alone crowded my mind. Nobody would ever want me. I was drowning in my self pity.

Just as I was about to leave the alley, I heard some laughs. I was soon surrounded by the Purple Dragons, a gang in New York City that made my life miserable. I bet they don't even remember what they did to me. It was because of them my life had no further meaning.

"What are you doing out here by yourself. Looking for so fun, hm?"

I started to breathe harder. This can't be happening, this can't be happening. That sentence kept racing throughout my mind. There were about seven Purple Dragons in the alley with me.

One of them grabbed my wrist and started to pull me. I tried to fight back but my attacks were fruitless. It didn't stop until one of the dragons punched me in my stomach. I feel the wind knock out of me. My lungs tried grasping for air that wasn't there. I felt more blows to my body. I was being kicked around for their joy.

My body couldn't take this any longer. I felt as if my heart was going to collapse. I was sore. My old jeans were filled with rips and holes alongside with my shirt. I was barely able to open my eyes but I was able to see the blood stains on my clothes and the concrete that I was laying down on. I begged for them to stop. My body couldn't take this. I knew that soon I would be dead.

"Please, st-op...s..t.o...p..." I begged them with my raspy and sore throat. It soon became difficult to sleek as I started to cough up blood.

But the hits wouldn't stop. Instead they were harder and more aggressive. I guess this is it. This is the end for me.

"That son of a turtle!"

His leg came on contact with the punching bag. There was a large amount of anger that surge through Raphael and into the punching bag.

'That excuse of a leader thinks that he can just push me around then he's absolutely wrong. I ain't his servant and I ain't gonna do what he says when he says it.' Raphael thought.

He kept punching and kicking the bag until there was no amount of energy left in him. He should have been the leader. He should have been the one. What's the difference between Leo and him. He's stronger than him. He has more potential. It always has to be Leo. He's the eldest. He's the leader. And what is Raph? He's just second best.

When he couldn't take being down there, he had to go somewhere else. Raph couldn't take being anywhere near Leo. Being cooped up will just make it worse. He ran out making sure that no one could hear him and walked through the sewers looking for the nearest manhole cover to get out. He knew there was one on Eastman and Laird street and went for that one.

When Raphael was out, he started to jump from rooftop to rooftop. After a while thinking about it, he didn't even remember what Leo and him were fighting about. But he couldn't let him know that. If Raph gave up on the fight to easily, he'll think he's weak. And He for sure wasn't.

Being so caught up in his thoughts, he didn't notice that he had stopped running. Raph ended up on an apartment roof next to an alley. He heard some muffled laughs and goans coming from down in the alley. When he looked down, he saw something that made him growl and be even angrier.

Some Purple Dragons though it would be fun if they messed around with a girl. They were beating her mercilessly and laughing at her pain. Raph saw some blood and it made him snap. He jump from the roof and onto one of the dragons. They stopped hurting him and looked at him with frustration. He guessed they didn't want to be interrupted.

"Its one of those turtle freaks. Get um!" One of them yelled out,

He grabbed his sais and stared to stab them. Those insolent little bastards. Always trying to ruin someone's life just for the heck of it. It's disgusting. Raph killed every single one of the purple dragons. A smirk planted its self on his face. Now they'll never do that again. He didn't even bother picking up the now dead bodies. The good thing about being a turtle, no finger prints left at the scene.

He heard a goan and looked at the blood covered girl. She looked as if she were about to die. Damn it! Why did he always get stuck in these situations. Raphael picked her up gently and carried her bridal style to the nearest manhole cover. Her breathing was difficult. Her lungs would not allow some oxygen to enter.

He stared to run faster and faster until the entrance of the lair was in sight and quickly punched in the keycode, 8668, into the pad hidden in the wall.

He called out for my brothers as soon as he got in.

"Dude! What's with all the yelling at 3 in the morning?!" Mikey said as he came in rubbing his eyes. As soon as he saw the girl his eyes popped out and he was now fully awake. He muttered under his breath.

"Shit"

Donnie and Leo came from around the corner. Leo was in shock just as much as mikey. But Donnie toke action telling me to place her on the table in the lab.

"Leo, Mikey, go get some towels to stop the bleeding. Now!"

Leo and Mikey rushed around and came back with bundles of towels in their arms. Donnie stared wrapping her in bandages and cleaning her cuts. He was working in such a rush. During that time he didn't even notice Master Splinter come in. He guessed they were making a lot of noise and commotion.

"Raphael, when did you find this girl. Why is she hurt so badly?"

He knew could get in trouble for this. But he couldn't leave her. It wasn't because it's my moral code of somthin. But because something in his gut told him that he couldn't.

"When I was out, I found her getting beaten up by the purple dragons. She was gonna die if I left her out there."

Raph knew that his description of what happened was very vague but that's all he knew. He didn't know why they were beating her up. What's her name? Who is she? Why was she alone? All these questions were swirling around in his head. Donnie came up to him and said,

"Raphael, I don't think she's going to make it. Shes lost a lot of blood."


	2. Chapter 2: The Scars

"You insolent little bitch, can't you do anything right!"

"What is a slut like you even living for?"

"You have no reason to live so why don't you just kill yourself already."

"The government doesn't pay me enough to live with a bastard like you."

All these sentences were floating around in my head. Somehow, I just can't make them stop. No matter how hard I try. Living in that gross old apartment was torture. Every day is like waking up to near suicide. The only time I could escape it was at night, but even that wasn't enough time for me.

Bruce and Taylor, my foster parents, were the faces of the devil. Bruce would hit me if I ever do anything wrong. I had so many chores that would be sore for weeks. Both Bruce and Taylor would curse at me, telling me how stupid I am or how much of skank I am to them.

That's when I turned to self harm. I know what people say. "Cutting yourself is bad and your brain is totally messed up if you do it." Yeah, I know. But they don't understand. It's a sort of relief killer for me. It's difficult to explain.

Crying was never a option for me. If I cry, the pain would hurt more. The worst of the two was Bruce. Whenever Taylor wasn't around he would touch me. I hated it. I rather not go into much detail about it. Everything about them was too painful. The words, the hits, and the touches were just too painful.

My parents were amazing. My dad was a journalist for the New York Times. He was the best in the business. My mom worked at a school as a music teacher. My mom had light brown hair with green eyes. She was so beautiful. My dad was a big nerd but that's why my mom loved him.

I remember that day perfectly. My parents and I were walking to a little ice cream store where we go all the time. We were going because it was my birthday and my dad got a huge promotion after writing an awesome article about the villains in New York, there was even a part about the purple dragons.

It was night and we were going there for dessert. The sky was so clear and nice that we decided to go for a walk instead of going in a taxi like always. Whenever we when to the ice cream store, we walked through an alley as a shortcut. Nothing bad ever happened before so I didn't think much about it. But this night was different.

I was in the middle of my parents holding both their hands. My parents were talking so they didn't hear much. I heard a thump and told my parents but they just told me I was imagining it. I was scared, so I let go of my parent's hand and hid behind a cardboard box that was there.

Suddenly laughs filled the air. Purple dragons came out of nowhere and started hitting my parents. They kept talking about how my dad should have kept his mouth shut. Mom and dad tried fighting back but it was no use. I saw them die right before my eyes. I silently cried as the purple dragons walked away laughing even more.

I don't remember much of that after. It was very vague and everything happened so fast. Apparently my parents left me money but the account can only be opened with a password. I tried everything but nothing worked. I gave up after a while.

I was soon living under the roof of the Smiths, otherwise known as a living hell. It's my fault my parents are dead. It's my fault that they're gone. I wanted to go out for ice cream. It will always be my fault.

Then I woke up.

My legs are sore. I can't feel anything but pain. My muscles are weak and have no strength whatsoever. I opened my eyes. It was a blot of blurry at first but then they reajusted themselves to my surroundings. I was laying on a mental table and rapped in bandages.

I was in a dark room in a place I have never been before. Yet I felt safe. Isn't that bad? To feel safe in a stranger's home? There were computer screens plastered all over the walls. Wires were laying on the desk in the corner of the room. The walls were painted a dark purple.

I sat up and quickly the pain rose. I groaned and grabbed my head nothing could make this pain worsted. Something in mind made me jump. I suddenly felt only air. But that ended in a split second unruly face and body came in contact with the dirty floor. On second thought, that made my pain worsted.

I slowly got up and locked the muscles in my leg so that they were straight. My head hurt from the sudden changes in gravity. I walked over to the door being careful not to fall again. I glanced at the clock near the door, 4:00 AM. I opened the door and walked down the hall.

I saw in a living room that the TV was on. I looked over the couch and saw a giant turtle sleeping. Uh? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! I slowly backed up away from the turtle but somehow bumping into someone.

"I see that you are awake miss. Please do not be scared by my appearance."

I turned around and saw a giant rat in a Japanese robe. My mouth hanged open a bit but I quickly closed it. Hel ooks like a well respected person.

"Please, follow me this way, miss. I presume you have any questions to ask of me."

I followed him to a kind of Japanese sliding door. Inside was filled with the smell of incense. The walls were filled with Japanese paintings of samurai fighting. He knelt down informing of a small table and motioned his hand to knee in front of him. He started to pour me some tea. He asked me as he gave me the cup

"So, what is your story?"


	3. Chapter 3: Sarcastic And Gentle

When I was finally settled and comfortable, I looked at the rat who was named Splinter.

"Many years ago I lived in Japan: a pet of my master Yoshi, mimicking his movements from my cage and learning the mysterious art of Jinjitsu, for Yoshi was one of Japan's finest shadow warriors. His only rival was a man named Oroko Saki, and they competed in all things, but in nothing more fiercely than for the love of a woman, Thang Shin.

Shin's love was only for my master and rather than see him fight Saki for her hand, she persuaded Yoshi to flee with me to America. But Saki vowed vengeance. I remember it well, as my master returned home to find his beloved Shin lying on the floor, and then he saw her killer. Saki wasted no words, and during the struggle, my cage was broken. I leapt to Saki's face, biting and clawing, but he threw me to the floor and took one swipe with his Katana, slicing my ear. Then he was gone, and I was alone.

When we were forced to come to New York, I found myself for the first time without a home, wandering through the sewers, scavenging for whatever I could find. And then, one day, I came upon a shattered glass jar and four baby turtles. The little ones were crawling into strange glowing ooze from a broken canister nearby. I gathered them up in an old coffee can and when I awoke the next morning, I received a shock. For they had doubled in size. I, too, was growing. Particularly in intellect.

I was amazed by how intelligent they seemed, but nothing could have prepared me for what happened next: one of them spoke. More words followed, and I began their training. Teaching them all that I had learned from my master. And soon, I gave them all names: Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello, and Raphael,"

Splinter told me as I thought on this. I had told him a very vague side to my story because it is hard for me to trust people now after everything that happened. Somehow, I feel bad that I told him something very short while he gave me his whole life story.

There was a knock on the door soon after. Splinter told whoever it was the to come in. The door opened to reveal another large turtle yet this one had a blue mask. When he saw me, he looked a little baffled.

"Leonardo, this is miss..."

"Um, Matthews. Riley Matthews." I said

Splinter nodded and turned back to the turtle named Leonardo and continued to speak.

"Leonardo, take her back to Donatello's lab so he can check her wounds then bring her some breakfast, I feel that she might be hungry."

Might? I'm always hungry. My foster parents barely give me any food. That's why I'm so skinny.

Leonardo nodded back and walked over to me.

"Please come."

I looked at Leonardo then to Splinter. I stood up and slowly followed the turtle to where ever he was taking me. I followed the large turtle to a wide hallway. There were pictures hanging on the walls. I tried not to look at them and just glanced back to the large turtle named Leonardo's back. Something about him was making me feel strange. I don't know what it is but the feeling isn't going away. I swallowed hard and shifted my eyes to the concrete floor as they were in the beginning. Since I wasn't paying attention, my shoulder hit against the wall to the right. A loud yelp escaped my lips and then made me groan. Even though it was just a bump, it felt as if someone had shot me in the shoulder.

Leonardo, instead of walking and not stopping, turned around and showed an expression of worry. He looked nervous and didn't do anything to help. I guess he really doesn't know how to help. I swallowed again after the pain started to slowly fade away. My left arm was now holding my right shoulder. I looked back to Leonardo. He still had the same expression to me. I rolled my eyes and walked past him. It's just a little pain, I'm not dead.

"Maybe you should rest a while." Leonardo said from behind me.

"Yeah, how about no" I said as I shrugged and kept walking away.

I heard him sigh and walk again toward me. I stopped walking for him to catch up because i honestly don't know where I'm going. After he did catch up, we passed by many rooms all of which were closed. I guess its because its late at night or early morning, I really don't know. Leonardo stopped at one of the doors that was labeled "LAB" in capital letters. It was painted into the steel door with the color purple. Leonardo knocked on the door then opened it without waiting for a response. I waited outside as he went inside the LAB. He poked his head out after a few seconds of being in there.

"You coming, or not?" He asked me.

"I don't need to be bandaged or whatever your going to do. I'm fine." I huffed to him.

Leonardo sighed and came out of the room called the LAB.

"Look, just a minute ago your were in pain from bumping into the wall so suggest you stop being so stubborn and just rest or you wont heal and get better." He said sternly to me.

I rolled my eyes and pushed past him, walking into the room. Once I took a look around, I realized that I was in the room that I woke up in about an hour ago. I walked over to the bed/table and jumped onto it. I was in pain but I held in my yell in my throat. I could feel my eyes water a bit but like my yell, I held it in. I guess Leonardo noticed my pain because he sighed and closed his eyes.

"Look, I'll be back in a minute. I have to get my brother, he knows what to do." He said and then turned around and closed the door behind him. I looked around the room once more. There were so many computers and tools just lying around. I then heard a knock on the door to reveal another turtle but with a purple mask now. He looks tired as if he just woke up which I'm guessing he did. He yawned and sat down in a chair that was next to the desk. He grabbed a box and moved over to me. He opened to box and looked over to me.

"Hello there, I'm Donatello. It's nice to meet you." He told me as he got out bandages from the box. He had pale green skin. Much lighter than his brother. His bright brown looked me over as if he could see where my bruises and cuts were.

I had on a black hoodie and underneath a long green shirt. My dark black skinny jeans seemed to blend into the darkness around the room if only there weren't holes and rips from where I was beat.

"I'm Riley." I whispered . He nodded signaling that he heard me. Donatello seemed gentler than Leonardo that's for sure.

"Here; put your foot on my thigh. I can see some blood on your right leg seeping through your pants. I'm just going to bandage it if that's alright." I put my leg up onto his. He rolled up my jeans and as soon as he did, I hissed from pain. I didn't notice that I got cut there but I guess it happened. He quickly wrapped a soft white cotton that stopped the stinging a bit.

"Um, thanks Donatello..." I told him. He plastered on a gentle smile that seemed to make his eyes sparkle under his purple mask.

"No problem. You can call me Donnie by the way. Donatello is just a whole mouthful. Are you in pain somewhere else? I could help with that too."

I remember the stinging I felt earlier on the back of my shoulder when I bumped into the wall on the way here. Maybe I could ask him to bandage that too. No. I shouldn't. That would mean he could see the cuts on my wrists.

"No thanks, I think there are just a few small cuts but I could do those later." I shrugged as I told him.

Donnie didn't look to convinced. But after about a long awkward silence, he let it go. I could hear him sigh as he got up and out of the chair.

"You should rest. You look really tired." He told me as he walked out of the room, leaving me without a second to respond.

I laid down on the bed and looked up the ceiling. Okay, this day has been weird. I sneak out at midnight then get beat up by the purple dragons and almost die. I wake up in a stranger's home and find out that turtles and a rat live here...Yeah, just a totally regular day for me. Note the sarcasm...


	4. Chapter 4: No Love

"Where am I?"

I gripped tightly to the sides of the table that I was sitting on. I woke up only a few seconds ago to Donnie's intense typing on a computer, he apologized, of course, and showed to the bathroom so I could freshen up. It toke me a few minutes to realize where exactly I was. Then thoughts of the past two days started to flood my mind, it was crazy to think that I actually was in the sewers with giant turtles but then again, here I am.

After aimlessly trying to get my hair to even resemble like actual hair and not a monster, I searched for a way out of there. If I missed more than three days at my foster house, they were going to kill me...and call the police, let's not forget about that. I searched through the hallways. There were pictures hanging of four turtles and a rat. I stared at it, trying to figure out who was who.

"I see you've found the rest of the family...sort of." I looked up and saw Donnie looking down at me with a small smile. His auburn brown eyes were shining under the lights above us. I stared back and forth between the photo and him. I noticed that there were two other people in the picture, humans, a boy and a girl to exact.

"I guess. You seem older than you do in the picture. Is it old?" I asked as I narrowed my eyes at his toothy smile in the photo. He had his arm around the girl who had natural red hair. She was in the middle of laughing while it was being taken. Most of the turtles were laughing. I could see Splinter smirking a bit. The picture made me want to be with them there, laughing and creating memories.

"Yeah, that was taken back when we were all younger, crazy and wild teenagers. No offence." He said as he rubbed the back of his neck with his palms. His face was turning a darker shade of green with a hint of red. I never knew turtles could blush. I guess I should write about that for a biology report. I chuckled under my breath as I thought of the idea of actually doing it.

"None taken. How old are you, if that's even possible to record?"

"I'm 20, actually. You?"

"17, a senior in high school."

"Here, are you hungry? I could ask Mikey to make you some breakfast." He said as he led me down the hall and to the kitchen. He motioned for me to sit on one of the stood next to the counter. Donnie looked through the fridge to see if there was something he could make. It took me a second to decide if I really did want to bother them to make me food. Before I could even respond, my stomach growled extremely loud. That's when I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I ate food.

"Haha, I take that as a yes, hold on, I'm going to go wake him up." Donnie walked out the kitchen and left me alone there, sitting awkwardly with my hands on my lap. When was the last time I ate something? Probably before I ran away from my foster parents, Splinter did tell Leonardo to bring me food last night but he never did. I guess he forgot to. I wouldn't blame him, he doesn't know me, I doubt he would want to.

I heard groaning behind me and quickly turned around to see another turtle waking up from the couch. I could hear him mumbling about hating it when people left the lights on. He wore a deep red mask that covered his emerald green eyes. He was stiff half asleep and didn't notice me sitting and staring at him. I heard footsteps coming down the hallway and noticed Donnie walking along with another turtle. Jeez, how many of these guys are there? Oh wait, 4...I forgot I knew that.

"Hi there! It's nice to meet you! My name is Mikey or Michelangelo, but I prefer the first one instead. What's your name?" The new turtles said, he was too excited. Didn't Donnie just wake him up? It scared me how happy this turtle was. The amount of energy that this turtle was displaying was not even close to how much energy I put into my happiness for an entire year. And it seemed so easy for him. I have to struggle to just smile to show people that I'm alright. But I'm not, and I'm just waiting for someone, anyone, to see through my shity disguise.

"Um, hi. I'm Riley." I said as I stared down at myself. I'm sure my hair must've looked disguising since I haven't washed it for days and probably smelled like a dead rodent. My long sleeved shirt was filled with holes everywhere, but thank god that they weren't near my breast areas or wrists. I noticed that my jeans were ripped at the knees, I didn't mind, it looked better that way.

Mikey gave me a warm smile and walked passed me and into the kitchen. He pulled out pots and pan with arm full's of food. The site of it made me stomach churn even louder. He definitely heard it as he started to chuckle under his breath. I sat silently as the turtle started to prepare the feast. Instead of having my head down and looking at my hands in my lap, my eyes diverted to the creature in front of me. Michelangelo wore a bright orange mask that seemed to outshine all of the other colors that his bothers wore. He was always smiling and didn't stop the entire time. His eyes were crystal blue that gave him an innocence that I haven't seen in years. Mikey's face was covered in freckles and spots that were slightly covered by his mask yet you could still seem a bountiful amount of.

"Do you need any help?" I asked in a low voice, hoping that he had heard me correctly

He turned to me with a half cooked pancake stuck to his spatula,

"No, thanks. I think I've got this all under control. I'm used to cooking breakfast for everyone here. You can just go back to staring at me; maybe I could stare at your beautiful face later." He responded by winking at me and going back to cooking.

I could feel my cheeks getting warmer and warmer as I thought about what he had said. I swallowed hard at his remark since he must be mistaken. He was the beautiful one here, not me. I squirmed in my seat as I played with my fingers to try and distract myself from the turtle in front of me.

"Looks like you're finally awake. Took you long enough, huh?" I squeaked as I was scared by the gruff voice behind me that appeared out of nowhere. I turned around quickly and was towered over by the large turtle I saw wake up on the couch. I completely forgot he was there during my encounter with Mikey. His eyes were much brighter that my mossy one that noticed now that he was up-close.

"Raph! Stop scaring the poor girl! You might give her a heart attack. Just ignore him, he can be such an ass at times." Mikey shooed him away with the spoon filled of pancake batter being thrown his way. I could feel the sides of my mouth being tugged to become a smile but decided to swallow it. I didn't want to smile even though they made me without even thinking.

I stared in front of me, a large plate filled with pancakes, hash browns, bacon, and scrambles eggs. The entire thing looked bigger than me. Then again, everything was bigger than me, I was a thin as a twig. I glanced at the orange turtles that had a cheerful smile and was humming. He had the same amount on his plate yet he was about 4 of me's.

"BREAKFAST!" HE screamed out throughout the tunnels of the lair. Footsteps pattered against the ground. One by one each turtle made his way to the table and grabbed a plateful of food. Raph was the first since he was the closest then Donnie. Leonardo came out of a room that had sliding doors and was covered in sweat. He had a white towel hanging around his neck while he panted in an in sync manner. The last one to arrive was Splinter who didn't grab food but instead a pot of boiling tea and walked back to his room.

All of the turtles were looking at me as I sat alone on the stool next to the kitchen counter while all of them sat at table. I guess they wanted me to join them but I played dumb. I'm not worthy enough to sit next to them. They were special creatures. I wasn't.

"Um, Riley, do you want to sit here with us?" I could hear Donnie say behind my back but I just shook my head no. I was better to be alone then to be with someone else. That way I can make sure that I could never ever hurt the people I loved. Then again, no one loves me, so why the hell should I love them?


	5. Chapter 5: Secret Out

"I think I should go"

I've been stuck in the sewers for so long and my lungs were tired of the strange smell of the turtles home. As much as I hate leaving and going back to my foster parents house, I knew that the longer I would be gone, the more of a punishment I would get. Leonardo wouldn't let me leave without their supervision and since it was the middle of the day when I asked earlier, I had to wait until nighttime.

"I guess, it's already midnight so..." Donnie said as he turned off the TV that we were watching. Mikey was playing with some handheld game and Raph was reading a magazine. Leo came walking in as we all got up from the couch, Don simply gave him a slight nod and knew what was going on.

"I'm going to tell sensei." The blue mask turtle said as he left the room and quickly came back. I noticed that all of the turtles have their weapons on their belts now as if they were going into battle.

"Um, what's with all the swords and stuff, you're just like dropping me off at my apartment. It's not like it's war or something." I mumbled as I hugged my arms. I always did that when I was scared or nervous about something and it terrified me that they were going to see my home. It terrified me that there could be a possibility of them seeing my foster parents and how mean they were to me. If they did, they'll think I'm garbage too.

"We always have to be prepared for things like this, who knows what might attack us." Mikey said as he wrapped and arm around my shoulder. A chill went down my back and I shuttered out of his grasp, uncomfortable against anyone's touch. I could see the smile that was plastered on his face fade to a frown like he caught my sadness as if it were a disease. It only made me feel worse than I was before.

We all left together beforebut before I placed a foot out the door, I turned around and took in one last look of the home that belonged to four turtles and a rat. I took in the smell of one pizza and smelly socks that hurt my lungs but became so accustomed to it that it was comfortable. I felt safer in a place that I've stayed in for two days more than I have in a palm that I've lived in for two years.

"Okay, uh, Riley here's the plan. We can't be seen walking with you down the sidewalk and you too injured for us to carry while we jump off the rooftops so we're going to be following you from above and you're going to be walking. As soon as you get in your apartment, we'll leave." I nodded to him, by the time Leo finish telling me what the plan was we had all reach the manhole. I felt someone push me forward to signal me that I would go first. Through my teeth, I sucked in air and started to climb up the rusty latter, it hurt the soft flesh on my palms.

It took all the strength I had, even though I was so weak, to lift the metal plate from the ground above. A loud groan escaped my lips as the skin from my back that was cut up moved. It almost made me regret not telling Donnie about it so he could bandage it. But it's worth the pain, I deserve it, I couldn't bear to look at his face if he ever saw the scars on my wrists.

The moment that I stepped out, the cold wind brushed against holes in my clothes. I had completely forgot that I probably looked like a hobo with the ripped clothes. A quiet swoosh from behind me made my tangled hair move upwards and get messed up even more. I turned around, looked down the whole, and found that all of the turtles were gone. I looked around frantic to see if they actually existed or my mind just made them up and disappeared when I left the sewers. A small cough echoed the alleyway where I stood, I looked up and saw the outline of four mutant turtles.

"Okay, I'm not crazy. Now I can check that off my list." I mumble and close the manhole once more. Taking it step-by-step, I stuck my hands in my pocket and my breathing became rigid as I walked down the streets of New York in the middle of the night.

The apartment was only a few blocks away and I knew it wouldn't be long before I got there. I tried to keep my eyes down so that I stared at my feet and not the people around me. They probably thought I was homeless or something. I felt the stinging feeling in my eyes, I tried to blink away the tears that had started to form.

I didn't want to go back to that place, I didn't want to be near Bruce and Taylor, they are cruel people. I rather be with mutants than them. When I looked up I saw that I was only two buildings away from apartment, I quickly got into the lobby of the building next to it and waited for two minutes. The shadows of the turtles soon went away and I knew that the friends that were so kind to me left.

I wouldn't see them again. The door squealed from the hinges as I opened it and walked. I made my way down the alley next to my apartment and climbed up the fire escape. Once I made it to the right floor, I opened the window and stuck 1 foot after the other, careful to skip over the creaky floorboard. I could hear Bruce and Taylor yelling at each other like they always do even if I'm there or not. I don't even think they noticed that I was gone. Suddenly heavy footsteps started pounding, they stopped talking, the only time I hear those footsteps is when they come into my room.

The door flew open.

A red eyed Bruce came yelling into my bare room.

"Where have you been!? What kind of a fucking teen are you!? You probably went to have sex for two whole fucking days!" Bruce's voice felt like knives piercing into my stomach and just sinking deeper and deeper into my flesh.

"How the hell did you hear me come in?" I mumbled to myself, not really expecting for him to hear or to even answer me. It twisted smirk formed on his mouth, he always did that when it was only the two of us at home. he points just above my window, my eyes followed the gaze and saw a camera that I had never noticed in my room. I froze. It made me sick in the stomach.

"I didn't hear you come in, I saw you."

"How long have you had that in here?" I whispered, staring at his dirty loafers. My voice had turned from a strong mumble to be scared whisper.

"Since you started living here. Every time that you changed clothes, I saw it all. There is an exact replica in your bathroom. I'm surprised you hadn't noticed sooner." Bruce took one step closer to me. The sudden close of the front apartment door signaled that Taylor left. The two of us were alone.

"And now that we're alone, I can punish you. Just like how I always do." I crept to the corner and close my eyes, every step that he took, I pushed myself closer to the brick wall. His rugged hands grabbed my forearm tightly and pulled me towards him, a slight yelp escaped my lips.

I could yell, I knew that would only make it worse and no one would come. I tried yelling for help the first time that this happened, as a result I couldn't walk correctly for a week. Bruce pulled out four pieces of rope which he always kept in his pockets for times like these. He was stronger than me, no matter how many times I try to push him away, he held me tighter.

"No." I whispered, even though it was fruitless. He tore everything off me;my shirt, pants, undergarments, and shoes fell to the floor. He didn't even question the bruises and cuts that I had on me for being jumped by the Purple Dragons. He didn't stop until I was completely naked.

Bruce grabbed the rope and tied both arms and legs to the posts that were at every corner of my bed. I closed my eyes, hearing the clank of his belt and un-hook, waiting for the worst. But it never came. I heard a loud swish and groans while keeping my eyes closed. I couldn't bear to think what was happening around me. I was soon and engulfed with the softness of my blankets the covered my body.

My eyes flew open. I looked around and saw a familiar figure next to me untying the rope around my wrist.

"M-mikey?" I whispered as my vision got clear, it was dark and hard to make out details. He was sounding too when he heard me, he gave me a soft smile, probably out of pity. Mike's usual bright blue eyes were dark now, but the shape of the ocean at night. I told against the rope, wanting to be free from it and hide under the blanket. I didn't want the turtle to see me like this.

Unknowingly, I whimpered. Mikey stopped and knew that I had no patience for every not to be untangled, he quickly pulled a knife out of this belts and started to cut the rope. Once I was free, I wrapped myself in the blankets and cowered in the corner.

"Oh Riley." he said, wanting to get closer but stopped himself. I knew is painful for him too. The door opened and revealed Raph wiping his sai with one of the towels for my bathroom, he looked at me and quickly turned away. I could see that he was angry by the way is sneer kept turning up words. He walked over to Mikey and whispered to him so that I couldn't hear and walked out once more.

"Riley."

Mikey gently talked to me, not wanting to scare me even more than I already was.


	6. Chapter 6: One Less

"Riley, I need you to listen to me. I'm going to leave the room for a few minutes. I need you to change into your clothes while I'm outside, do you understand? Please say something..." Mikey whispered to me gently, not wanting to get close incase I got scared. His blue eyes looked so sincere and full of pity.

I wanted to tell him that he could stay, I didn't want to be alone in case Bruce came back. But I knew Mikey couldn't stay, and the back of my mind, I knew. I nodded to him, not being able to talk, if I said anything, I would cry more than I already had.

"Ok." He said and stood straight, he walked out of my room, looking back at me and closing the door. I sat there for a second, and gripped the cover tighter around my naked body. I was dirty, not physically but mentally. I stuck out my arm and touch the torn skin on my wrist, you could feel the bumps with only using your fingertips. My scars were deep and needed to be wrapped.

I slowly took one step at a time and got out of the musty bed, clutching the covers and wrapping it closer. I grabbed new clothes from my closet and quickly put them on. I had on a longsleeved gray shirt with a hood, black sweatpants, and slippers.

And then it hit me. How the hell was I going to tell Bruce about the turtles that whisked him out of my room?

I grabbed my duffel bag from the corner and threw in all the things that I had, things that I owned from over the years. I was my clothes and shoes being pushed to the bottom of the bag. I had a photo album filled with pictures of my parents and a sketchbook with colored pencils which a stuffed in my backpack. All I knew is that I had to get out of here, I had to run away before Taylor or worse, the police, came. Bruce probably called them after the turtles pushed him off me.

I tied my hair up and glanced down to the floor, the towel that Raph was cleaning his sai with was laying there. I picked it up and put it towards the light, it was soaked and wet with the red liquid. It smelled like crimson. My eyes widened and my jaw dropped when I realize what it was.

Blood.

I opened the door quickly, "Riley? Hey, wait don't go in there!" But I pushed Mikey off.

I opened the door for the room across the hallway, he tried to stop me but I kept going.

"Oh my god..." I mumbled under my breath. There stood Leo and Raph talking to each other with Bruce sitting. He wasn't moving, he was dead. I almost threw up when I saw him. His body... Wasn't together. The floor was filled with his body parts. Leo look shocked but Raph was angry.

"Mikey, get her out of here!" He yelled as he pointed his finger out the door. But I stood there, not being able to take my eyes off of the body in front of me. I was shaking as if I was freezing in winter. Mikey grabbed me, and picked me up bridal style. The floorboards creaked every step he took, he placed me on my bed. I noticed Donnie looking out my window as if he was keeping watch. He saw me shaking with wide eyes and his face grew hard. I only saw this face once and that was when I was hurt.

"She's in shock." Don said as he grabbed my blanket and wrapped me up again to warm me up.

"No shit, Don. She just saw the dismembered body of her very best. Who the hell knows how many times he's done this to her?!" Raph said as he leaned against the doorframe of my room. I mentally flinched at what he said. To be honest, I've lost count on how many times Bruce had done this to me, all I know is that is happened for two years. Leo walked in and narrowed his eyes at everyone in the room but stopped as he glanced at my bags that I left on the floor earlier. He went over to them and open the zipper.

"Looks like she was getting ready to book it. I wouldn't blame her, look at what Raph did." I closed my eyes and tried to calm my breathing. The only senses that I was using now was my hearing.

"Hey! What did you expect me to do?! He was about to fuck her!"

"Shh! Raph, lower your voice."

"Leo, what do we do now?"

"The only thing that we can do."

My eyes opened and I looked up when I felt someone pick me up off the bed and carry me. Donnie looked down and smiled at me, his amber eyes stared into my dark brown ones. I looked over his shoulder and saw Mikey carrying my bags out the window. Leo and Raph were nowhere to be seen in my room. I wanted to ask him where we were going but he interrupted me.

"Don't worry about it, Riles. Just go back to sleep. You trust me, right?" Donnie asked, I nodded to him, not wanting to say anything else. Of course, I trusted him and the turtles. I trusted them with my life. I close my eyes and let the sleep overwhelm me.

-

"Ow." I mumbled under my breath. My left wrist is starting to hurt and it woke me up from my sleep. I glanced around the dark room that I was in, my body was comfortably covered and soft blankets. They were new and not ripped and dirty like my old one. It smelled like mint and lemons and made me want to snuggle closer into it. But I was in too much pain.

I turned on the switch of the lamp next to me and squeaked in terror. The wardrobe in the corner of the room scared me and looked like Bruce for a second in the flash of my eyes. The memories of him started to flood and cloud me. I jumped out of the bed, my body became cold without it's warmth. Where the hell am I? I have to get out of here. Where is Mikey and Leo, or Donnie and Raph?

I walked out of the door and looked around, I was in the lair and was probably sleeping in the spare room. My feet touched the cold floor as I walked around the hallways and made a mental note of all the rooms. There was a lot. It was a large home, too big for five people, it probably could fit an entire family with aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents.

I made my way to the living room and saw a Raph sleeping on the sofa with the news on and muted. Did you not sleep in his room? I shrugged it off and passed by Splinter's room, the lights were off but a small candle light was shining. He was probably sleeping as well. I don't know how I could go to sleep like they could. Every time I close my eyes, I saw Bruce dead and realized that it was all my fault.

If I hadn't lived there, then he wouldn't be dead. Bruce would be alive. It was all my fault. I felt a pinch in my nose and my eyes got watery but I kept it in. I cried too much for one night. I'm too weak to even be living, I shouldn't have ever been born. If I wasn't born that my parents would be alive as well.

I passed by Donnie's lab and open the door, he wasn't in there so I quickly ran in and dug through his medical things till I found a roll of bandages. Grabbing the scissors, I cut off a piece and wrapped it around my wrist and taped it together. There, hopefully it wouldn't get infected. I covered it with my long sleeves and walked out after I had placed everything in its rightful place.

The eerie silence of the lair made a chill run up my spine and made my body shake. If I went back to the room that I was sleeping in, I knew I would have a nightmare. I walked around until I found Donnie's room and went in. The walls were painted light lilac and gray, the desk was filled with papers and Don was asleep in his bed. He snored very softly with his face and eyes closed towards me. I picked up the blankets and crawled into his bed with him. He muttered softly but didn't wake up. I cuddled against his plastron and curled into a small ball. Unconsciously, I fell asleep.


	7. Chapter 7: Fix Me

My mouth was dry and my stomach was growling, I tried to ignore it since I was so tired but the surge of hunger kept waking me up. I shrugged it off and cuddle closer into the blankets and covered my face in the lemon smelling pillow. It was warm and so comfortable, I haven't slept so well in two years.

I turned my head and placed my cheek on the pillow again but it wasn't as soft as before. One of my eyelids slowly opened, I looked around and noticed that I wasn't in Bruce and Taylor's apartment but in the lair with the turtles. The thoughts of last night flooded my mind; Bruce touching me, the turtles saving me, Raph killing Bruce, me coming into Donnie's room and falling asleep in his bed. My skin grazed upon a piece of paper that was placed on the pillow and I looked down, it was a note on the yellow notepad paper.

I opened and read it:

"Dear Riley,

It was quite a surprise to see you sleeping with me in my bed when I woke up early this morning. When you find this note, come down to the kitchen to eat breakfast. We're going to have to talk to you about last night.

-Donnie"

I read the note again three times to make sure I understood everything correctly. Donnie's handwriting was so neat compared to the scribbles the most high schoolers wrote. The thing that bothered me the most was the last sentence that he wrote.

"We're going to have to talk to you about last night."

They wanted to talk about Bruce, I'm not ready for that. I can't tell them about my life at the Smiths apartment. all of the beatings and bruises, abuse, and the things that they said to me, and Bruce most of all.

I'm just not ready.

I pulled the blankets off my legs and looked around the room. A small light on the desk was shining, I walked over to it and looked at all of the papers. They were drawings of machines, blueprints, and theories. I narrowed my eyes and a piece of paper that was under all of the blueprints. I picked it up and smiled.

"What's this?" I muttered under my breath.

It was a drawing of a girl sleeping soundly, it was me. It was so beautiful, and had so much detail to it. I'm surprised it was me, Donnie must've sketched to look a little better than I normally do I guess. I placed it back where I found it, under all of the papers and mess as a glanced at the clock with neon green numbers.

"8:53."

This was one of the latest times that I slept in, I sighed and tied my hair back since it was such a mess when I slept in it. The smell that was radiating off me was starting to become unbearable, I needed to take a shower as soon as possible. Maybe I should ask Mikey if he could show me where the bathroom was so that I can clean up.

The lair was quiet when I open the door and looked around. No one was in the living room and the only sounds came from across the turtles' home, I followed them and was soon able to make out the sounds as grunts and groans groans. The doors from the room looked old and in Japanese-style was beautiful designs and colors. My fingertips touch the fabric before I opened one of the sliding doors.

"Leonardo, keep your back straight, do not let him distract you. Michelangelo, stay focused, do not look at Miss Matthews. Raphael, please wipe that smirk off of your face. Donatello, bend your knees, keep to the shadows if you must."

The sound of Splinter's stern voice filled the room, each of the turtles were fighting against each other, a one on one battle. Leo was against Mikey as Raph against Donnie. The floors were covered in mats, it made the room seem like a practice area for the ninjas, a training room or dojo to be exact.

"Good morning, Miss Matthews. Did you sleep well?" Splinter asked as he walked towards me.

I nodded to him, "Yes, thank you for asking. Um, I was wondering if someone could show me where the bathroom was. I really need to take a shower, if you don't mind..." I asked shyly as I stared at my feet, keeping my eyes off of the respectable rat.

"Leonardo?" He said as he looked toward the blue masked turtle. Leo quickly stopped fighting against Mikey, causing Mike to trip against his own foot. I stifled a small laugh by covering my mouth with my hand to make it look like a cough. The poor turtle fell on his face.

"Please, go and assist Miss Matthews if you will." Leo nodded and walked me out of the dojo, he was kind and quiet I'm like the way he was when we first met. He didn't keep his distance, he stayed close. It was an awkward the comfortable silence. In my mind, it's so confusing, and right at same time.

"I didn't dream up what happened last night, did I?" I whispered in a not really questioning way. I was making a statement, and in my mind, I knew what happened was true. Leonardo simply nodded, not completely ready to talk about it by himself. Neither was I. I sighed as Leo showed me where the bathroom was and left me behind to take a shower.

It felt so amazing and relaxing to be able to wipe and scrub off all of the dirt that have formed on my body for weeks. The water that I used turned to black from all the muck, the soap washed away the pungent smell.

My fingers traced over every bruise that the Purple Dragons had given me, they were an awful color of the next purples, blues, and yellows. My wrist stung while I rub them with soap, the scabs opened back up and bled. I bit the inside of my cheek as my sore body got clean. I don't know how long I took a shower, but I'm glad that I did.

I grabbed a towel off the rack and wrapped it around my body. My hair color changed from a dark brown to a soft chestnut color, my tan skin was actually a pale white that made my hazel eyes stick out.

"Shit." I mumbled under my breath. I needed to get from the bathroom to a few doors down in only a towel. I grabbed the clothes that I wore before and wrapped them in a ball. I took a deep breath and slightly jogged to across the highway, hoping no one would see me. Thank God, everyone was still in the dojo. I quickly got in and close the door behind me and started to dry myself off.

The bags I had brought with me will laid on top of the desk. Now that all the lights on, I was able to see the room that I woke up in completely. The walls are painted a light gray and there was a queen sized bed in the corner with the nightstand and lamp. A wardrobe stood tall across the room, it baffles and scared me how I thought it was Bruce in the middle of the night.

"What the hell am I going to tell them?" I whispered to myself as I pulled out clothes from my bag and quickly got dressed. I tied my hair into a French braid and put on warm socks. What was I going to say?

"Should I just say, Whoops! Sorry guys, you saved my life in all but I'm not a open book sooooo bye. God, I'm such a fucking idiot!" My hand collided with my forehead making a loud smack sound echo the bedroom.

Fuck it, was all the I thought.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, just fuck it all." I mumbled as I left the room and walked back to the living area. I didn't want to bother the turtles and their training so I just walked around until I found the kitchen. My stomach growled when I thought back to yesterday when Mikey made me breakfast and pancakes with eggs and hash browns and bacon and sausage and OH MY GOD MY MOUTH IS WATERING.

I ran my fingers through my side bangs as I searched for a bowl and spoon. The brothers that boxes and boxes of different kinds of cereal, I'm surprised they had so much food. How the hell do they get it? Do they dressed up in trench coats and fedoras to go grocery shopping? I'm sure it's something completely different. I shrugged my shoulders and grabbed the Lucky Charms with milk.

It felt nice eating calmly with enough food and not being worried about Bruce and Taylor yelling at me. According to law, foster parents were only required to feed twice a day, lunch and dinner. Breakfast was never given to me. Sure, they barley fed me anytime but it was least likely in the morning.

Bruce.

I felt like I swallowed a rock and it fell through my stomach.

"Hey Riley." I looked up and saw Mikey with a towel wrapped around his neck and dripping from head to toe in sweat. He had a soft smile plastered on his lips, his baby blue eyes were so light and full of shine unlike last night when they turned dark as Leo's. The small freckles splattered of his cheeks stood out along with his innocence and cheerfulness.

"Hey."

"Are you ok?"

"I'm...fine. Can we just...drop it? I don't want to talk about it." I looked away from the orange masked turtle and his pitiful smile. I gripped tightly to the spoon as if I was going to break it. Soon, one by one, the other turtles came in, all covered in sweat and breathing hard from training. I guess they heard the final sentence that I said.

"We can't just pretend we didn't see what we saw, toots." Raph said as he went to the refrigerator and grabbed a glass beer, just like how Bruce would. Sure, the turtles were all 20 from what Donnie told me, but seriously?

"Don't call me that..." I mumbled under my breath, Raph simply shrugged his shoulders and went back to drinking his poison. I could only imagine what he was like drunk and pray that I never was near him when it happens.

"Riles, we have to talk about what happened. We need to know, we need answers." Donnie said.

"I just can't...I'm not ready to explain everything." I stared at the empty bowl in front of me, I want to look at Donnie since I could feel his eyes looking at me. He sat down next my and scooted his chair close to me. His large green hand grabbed mine and squeezed it gently for comfort. I slowly gazed upon his soft brown eyes and felt so reassured.

"Just let us help, please."

I nodded.

"How about about I ask you simple questions, if you don't want to answer then I'll simply skip over them, okay? Would that be alright with you?"

I nodded again.

"Okay, who was the man?" My palms got sweaty and the back of my neck got cold, a sharp shiver ran down my spine like thick nails cutting flesh.

"Bruce. His name is Bruce Smith, or was." I whispered in such a small voice, that it would have been so embarrassing if I wasn't so shaken up.

"How do you know him?"

"He's my foster father."

"You don't have parents?"

I shook my head no and bit my bottom lip to stop myself from crying in front of Donnie. The turtles have seen me cry more than any other person that I've known and I only have known them for less than a week.

"Don't worry Riles, we can't fix this. We can fix everything.

"You can't fix scars, they're permanent. They last forever."


	8. Chapter 8: Pale White Lines

"Riley, what scars are you talking about?" Donnie said as he held my hands tightly causing a slight sting that I ignored. I stopped breathing when I realized and processed what I said.

'Oh God, please Donnie, please don't think too much into what I said.' Raced throughout my mind and hit my head like a rock. I was so scared and so terrified that they would find out, not being able to breathe made me feel entrapped and helpless.

"I meant mental scars, Don." I said quickly, hoping that I could stop myself from drowning and falling deeper in. The eerie silence and awkwardness could be sliced with a knife, I could feel the turtles shift and struggle in the corner of my eye.

"Uh, ok..." Leo said as if he was trying to keep the conversation alive and try to get more information out of me about Bruce. Raph kept standing in the background, eyeing me carefully. I wanted Donnie to let go of my hands so that I could cover them under the table. I tired to not look at my arms but it was so tempting, I just had to glance.

"So Riley how long ha-" Leo stared back up where Don had left off but Raph interrupted. He got up of the wall and grabbed me by the forearm. I loudly yelled out from the pain that he caused, who knew that I would have a bruise soon.

"Raphael! Let her go!" Don screamed from the shock and intensely, he stumbled a bit back in his seat to process what had happened. Mikey kept sitting where he was, wide eyed and mouth opened. The poor turtle couldn't say anything.

I looked into Raphael's green eyes, they were narrow and would keep staring at my forearm where my wrist held scars. I tried to push him back and struggle from his restraint, but it was useless. He had a death grip on me.

"Show them to me." He mumbled under his breath, still not looking at me but looking at my arm. Donnie and Mikey looked so confused but Leo pulled out his katana, ready to fight his brother if he had to. I quickly shook my head no, I couldn't show the turtles. Hell, no one knows about my scars. they were always kept a secret from everyone. And now that I finally have friends, I can't push them away with simple pale and white lines that have been engraved on my skin.

"What is he talking about, Riley?" Donnie asked as he got up, he was taking action.

"Show them to me!" He yelled out louder, pulling my arm down a bit, demonstrating that he wasn't afraid to pull up my sleeve for me. I felt a rock in my throat and my vision started to get blurry, my nose got runny and my legs went weak. I shook my head no once more, hoping that Raphael would get the message. Hoping that he would know that I'm not ready, I'm not ready for this.

"Ple-Please don't d-do this, please." I whispered under my breath, it was getting hard to talk, my emotions were getting all stirred up. The lump in my throat got harder and harder, if Raph wasn't holding me up, I would be on the floor crying now, wrapped up in a little ball.

"Let her go Raphael! Now! That's an order!"

"Show them or I fucking will!" But he didn't give me a chance to react, it's not like I was going to anyways. The turtle pulled up my sleeve, showing my bandages that had blood seeping through them. He quickly unwrapped them, and showed my scars to his brothers. I closed my eyes, closing them as hard as I could possibly, maybe then I couldn't see, I would forget everything around me.

Small slight gasps escaped the turtles, I bit the inside of my cheek to stop myself from hysterically crying. I could imagine their facial expressions without even looking. Mikey would look away, Donnie would wonder why, Leo would clench his teeth, and Raph would look down shamefully. I knew the Raph didn't want to be right, but he was.

I couldn't hold it anymore.

"I-I'm so s-sorry! Please!" I whispered out loudly, as I fell back into my seat and the tears started rushing down my face and falling into my lap. I couldn't control it anymore, I had been holding it in for so long.

Why do bad things always happen to good people? I never understood the question. Maybe it's because I don't think I'm a good person. I'm not. I'm broken, damaged, irreversible, and unfixable.

Mikey jumped up from where he stood, and scooped me up into his arms. He ran his fingers through my hair as he softly shushed me. I covered my face into the crook of his arm and held it there. I couldn't look at the turtles. They probably think of me as some sort of freak. they probably think of me as some messed up person in the brain. I was failure.

"It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay." He repeated over and over again into my ear, his whispers were so soft and so calming to me. Mikey carried me away from the kitchen and took me over to the living room, he set me down on his lap as he sat down on the couch. The other turtles followed us and sat down on the couch across. I could hear them murmuring about something that I couldn't make out.

After five minutes, or to me which felt like an hour, I stopped crying and opened my eyes.

"Can you...can you explain it to us?" Leo said softly, he voice was soft, his face was soft, his smile was soft. Everything about him screamed 'PITY'. I opened my mouth and quickly closed it, how could I really explain everything?

I glanced down at my arms which were still uncovered and bear. I cringed at the sudden contact with my wound, but I said nothing. I stared at my wound like it was nothing. I glanced up at Raph, who gaped at the site of my arm. My focus switched back to Leo's expression. He was quiet. Surprised, even.

Mikey, who I was still sitting on his lap, grabbed my left arm, did the same action that Raphael did but softer. I heard Donnie gasp next to me.

I bit my lip. I really wanted to grab my arm back and say that I just fell or that my friends cat scratched me, but I knew it was too late. It was too obvious that they were self inflicted wounds. The lines across were to... Perfect. Too deep. I tried to say something that would ease the situation.

They were at a loss for words: and I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or bad thing. They just stared at each other, and back at me, then back to my arms, then continued on thinking.

"Please talk to us..." Don said as he kneeled down besides me and put my hands into his like before, they were still warm compared to my icy cold figures.

"After a while, I just stopped talking. Talking about my feelings, concerns, passions... I mean nobody cared anyways."

"There's more to this, isn't there?"

"Do you want me to go back to asking you those simple questions?" Don asked. I simply nodded, wanting to turn the subject quickly.

"What happened to your real parents?"

"They were murdered, they were killed by Purple Dragons. Mom was a teacher. Dad wrote in the newspaper. He wrote about them. And they found him and killed him. They killed Mom too. All I could do was sit there and watch."

Donnie paused.

"How long have you been living with Bruce?"

"Two years."

"Is that how long he's-"

"Yes."

"Do you know how many-"

"No. I lost count."

"Can you-" Donnie started to ask another question and I was getting annoyed.

I already said too much. I already shared too much, and I want all of my secrets back. I hate getting close to people these days, I always regret sharing too much, doing too much, feeling too much.

I wanted to be alone.

And yet I didn't at the same time.

"Riley?" He asked as I looked back at him, I had completely tuned him out of my mind. My eyes widened when I realized that everyone was still around me.

I'm not completely sure as to what triggered this. Depression. Of course, I do wake up one morning and think, "Today, I'm going to kill myself." No, it doesn't work like that. Over the past few years, my thoughts have been slowly becoming worse with each passing day. My thoughts slowly become what I believe to be true. You can think whatever you want, it's your free will so you are free to do so. However, the things that you think aren't necessarily true, unless you convince yourself that you are.

I somehow convinced myself that my existence is worthless and pathetic, and that I don't deserve to live on this planet. It just gets worse.


	9. Chapter 9: Cherry Blossoms

I sat on the couch alone, waiting patiently. I wasn't really patient though, my fingers couldn't stop moving. I couldn't stop fidgeting around, I was waiting, waiting for the turtles to come back from talking with their father.

The TV was on to distract me from everything, but the truth is that I was already distracted. I couldn't focus on the moving pictures, my mind was moving on itself.

I felt so cold, I wasn't as warm as it was before when I was with Mikey. I don't know why, I always felt so uncomfortable around other people. If I even touched another person's skin, I would cringe away and my own skin would feel like something was crawling on it. But it wasn't like that when Mikey touched me. Maybe it only happened when I was with humans. Just not with this specific turtle.

I've known the turtles for less than a week, and during these past few days, the only turtle that even made me smile because Mikey. I haven't smiled in so long. What the hell was this turtle doing to me? A shiver ran down my spine, it made my head shake and my teeth clench.

Then I thought of Donnie.

My relationship with Donatello was strong, I felt comfortable around him. He was kind and sweet, and you can definitely hold a conversation with him. But he didn't make me smile, he didn't get me to laugh. Sure, he understood me. But him and Mikey were completely different. Donnie was like the big brother I never had, always looking out for me. He accepted me when I couldn't even accept myself.

"Miss Matthews, it has come to my attention that something has occurred. Would you mind explaining it to me?" I jumped and turned around when I heard Splinter's soft voice. He stood behind me, his arms wrapped around his back, I could hear his breathing, that's how quiet it was.

"However, let us talk somewhere else. Please follow me to the dojo." He asked as he turned around, expecting me to follow after him. I huffed and sighed as I got up and pulled my hair out of the braid that it was in. My hair cascaded in silky soft waves now that it was dry.

I followed after him into the dojo and into a small room, the same room where he told me his story and I barley told him mine. He sat down on the mat and offered me a cup of warm tea which a gladly took to calm my nerves. I sipped a small bit, it smelled like cherry blossoms. Those were my mom's favorite flower in the spring.

We went on a family trip a year before they died, it was to Washington D.C. I was nine. It was just in time when the cherry blossoms bloomed and filled the streets and sidewalks with bright shades of pink. My mom loved it there. She said we were going to go back for my thirteenth birthday. We didn't.

"Are you remembering something?" Splinter asked. I looked up from my cup of tea and realized that he was staring at me with a soft smile. I noticed that tears were slowly running down my face without knowing. I too was smiling softly.

I chuckled a bit out of awkwardness and wiped my wet tears with the side of my hand. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence.

"I was thinking about my mom. She loved cherry blossoms." I whispered under my breath, not being able to wipe the smile off my face.

"I haven't thought of my parents in so long. But every time I think of them, it's always about that night when they died. It's never good thoughts. And now that I'm thinking about all the good times that we had, I can't stop smiling."

"Some times, we focus so much on the bad things in life that we forget all the good. Our minds focus on how a person dies and not the life that they had. We forget the memories that they created and lose who that person really was to us. Remembering how a person dies and not who they were, that is our biggest mistake." He said as he looked away and stared across the room.

Then everything clicked.

"The same thing happened to you, didn't it? With your family."

"I was simply a rat back then but the experience that I had left many scars on me. I loved my master very much but when he died, that was all I could think about. Just him, dead. But that's when I found the turtles and everything changed. I couldn't think of only him as a dead man, but as a man who loved me and cared for me. The turtles made me realize this true meaning."

"Then I guess they did the same for me." I smiled shyly and thought back to everything they had done. Raphael saving me from dying in the hands of the Purple Dragons, all of them saving me from Bruce, and now saving me from my past. They had all saved me.

"You have many demons. Why?" He asked the question that I dreaded the most.

"I don't really think that people have just one reason for being depressed. Having depression is just a pile of things pushing you down so hard until you snap or collapse. Those things that just made me snap are all over the place. It's the pressure of school. And not having a mom when you really need her the most. It's the pressure of..." I stopped, I wanted to say Bruce and explain to him what happened but I couldn't. Splinter waited patiently for me to continue and find the right words.

"I may not be able to understand everything but I do understand that sometimes we do not have strength. We feel weak and useless but then we have to remember that we are only human. People make mistakes. We hold onto the past because its the only thing that we know of." Then he stopped.

"Things like this happen to people, but it doesn't make then any less from another. It makes them stronger and smarter. It makes them think." He said referring to what the turtles told him about Bruce. He was trying to make myself feel better and it was working.

I grabbed his opened hand and held it tightly in mine to show him my gratitude. I felt shameful before, now I feel better. I've survived so much.

"Thank you." I whispered under my breath and looked away. It was just too many feelings for one day. I got up and left Splinter alone to try and find the turtles.

The lair was quiet, it had an eerie silence to it as I walked along the halls to find someone; in the back of my mind, I hoped I would find Mikey first. As I walked around, I found Raph punching a bag in his room. The door was wide open and my curiosity got to the best of me. I just had to talk to him.

I walked in the turtle's room and looked around quietly. To say that it was a mess was an understatement, there was pizza boxes on the floor, comic books and magazines placed in disorderly stacks, trash laying in the middle of the room, and I'm pretty sure I saw a cockroach scamper around.

The place looked like a garbage man's dream.

I chuckled lightly at the thought causing Raph to notice me and turn around. His face was angry at first, probably thinking I was one of his brothers but went soft when he realized it was just me. I leaned against the frame of his door and slightly smiled, not showing me teeth. If I wanted to get better, I would have to try somehow.

"I think that's the first time I've seen ya smile, sorta." He said as he crouched down and grabbed the water bottle that was at his feet. He took a small sip before I responded.

"What? Are you sure? I think that I'm smiling all the time." I said sarcastically and and smirked at him. I'm sure that he's telling the truth but decided to play a bit. He was the hot headed one, I'm sure he got sarcastic at times as well.

"Oh, right. My fault. You just happen to be Miss Sunshine all the fucking time. I suppose I just forgot about that." He said as he walked over to me. He was playing along and I liked it.

"You must be blind then, Mr. Bad Boy. I think you need to get your vision checked."

"Oh, so now I'm the bad boy." He said as his eyebrow ridge went up in an arrogant way.

"You've always been the bad boy, Raphie."

"Then I guess you know what bad boys do." Raph mumbled as he got closer to me, only now a few inches apart.

Then my mind flooded with thoughts, images of Bruce flashed through my eyes. His deep and terrifying voice was replaced with Raph's.

"S-Stop." I said as I pushed him back with my hands, giving him a hard nudge to go back to where he was. His face want to shock when he realized what was happening and stumbled back to a respectable distance.

"I- I'm so sorry, Riley." He said as he wiped the back of his neck with his hand, embarrassed and shamed of what he did.

"No, wait. It's my fault. I started something I couldn't do. I wanted to play and be a bit sarcastic. I wasn't expecting for it to turn to this." I said as I narrowed my eyes down at the floor, staring at the slippers on my feet.

"Well then you've accomplished that...Besides, I know that you don't like me. I see the way you look at Mikey." He said as he came back closed and pulled me into a soft hug to reassure me that everything was alright.

My eyes went wide when I heard what he had said. I don't like Mikey, do I?

"I don't look at Mikey in anyway."

"Could've fooled me. Ya look at Mikey like some superhero, like some guy how's gonna save you from everyone and everything."

"Well, of all people, I think I'm the one that needs saving the most." I mumbled under my breath, hoping that Raph didn't hear me but he did.

"I think that it's cause he's funny and silly. He's the innocent one that can never have a bad thought going through his mind. Mikey makes people smiled and I think you need that the most. A laugh can't hurt you, and it can save you from a lot of things. Besides, Mikey always considered himself as some sorta superhero. Maybe your his damsel." Raph said as he put his arm on my shoulder and squeezed it slightly.

"Raph, I'm a mess. No ones going to want something broken-"

"Sure, no ones gonna want something broken...unless they are sure that they can fix it."


	10. Chapter 10: Getting Better

"Riley, wake up. Riley. C'mon, wake up already, I have to go train." I heard in a distance but I knew he was right next to me. I swatted him in the face and covered myself deeper into the blankets. They were so warm and comfortable, I just needed...five more...minutes...

"That's it." I felt hands travel up my body and to my armpits. My eyes widened as I gasped and started to laugh out loud hysterically. I struggled to push away Mikey's hand from me so that I could stop laughing and breathe but the turtle wouldn't stop.

"Ok! Ok! I give!" I yelled out between breaths to get him to stop, he did this every morning now. It was starting to get annoying but I loved it. I started everyday smiling. I've been getting better, at least I think so. Everything has changed so quickly around me, it feels different being around people that actually care.

Bruce and Taylor were heartless, they didn't care about me. They wouldn't care if I died. They weren't human at all.

But the turtles are so different. Leo has been so kind and respectful, he's such a sweet guy and we get into pleasant debates of petty things that his brothers would never do. He's been teaching me how to meditate and clear my mind. Leo is one of my best friends.

Raph and I haven't been awkward ever since that time we almost kissed. We don't talk much but when we do, he's always a big softie. Once when I told him I was craving caramel popcorn, he got up and dressed in some weird trench coat and went to go buy some. He's like the big brother I never had, they all are.

Now Donnie has been my therapist ever since the turtles have found out about my scars. We talk everyday about how I feel and how I've been getting better. Donnie is like a doctor, he's patient and caring and no one is like him. Because of him, I've been clean for a week.

And then there's Mikey. Mikey has done the most to help me out of all of the turtles. A part of me is actually think that what Raph said is true, Mikey is my superhero. He's been saving me from falling deeper. Mike has done stupid things that simply make me chuckle and roll my eyes at the poor turtle. And I didn't think about this before, but I am truly falling in love with Michelangelo.

"You are the cruelest turtle that I've ever met." I mumbled under my breath as I tried to act like I was actually annoyed at his antics even though I wasn't, and Mikey knew it. He laughed out loud and scooped me up off the bed and into his arms as he carried me bridal style to the bathroom.

I gently punched his chest and groaned to show him that I was angry but I couldn't. I smirked and rolled my eyes as he placed me down if the cold tile floor of the bathroom. A small shiver ran down my spine as my body got comfortable to the different climate that I was used to.

"Aw, c'mon Riles. You know you love me." He said as his raised his eyebrow ridge obnoxiously and wrapped me into a hug.

I do.

"Yeah right! Next thing you know, pigs will start to fly!" I said and I pushed him away and started to brush my hair as stuck my tongue out at him playfully.

"Well if mutant turtles are possible, then who knows?"

"Get out of here, I need to get ready!" I scoffed at him and huffed childishly, I pushed him out and locked the door behind him.

After I took a quick shower and brushed my teeth, I changed into grey sweatpants and a dark green long sleeved shirt that was way too baggy on my body and looked at myself in the mirror. I frowned at my reflection, I looked messy and sloppy. My eyes glanced at my closet. Maybe, I could wear a regular t shirt?

I walked over to it and pulled out a red short sleeved shirt and pulled it over my body. I glanced back at the mirror. The shirt was definitely more formed fitted to my body and showed off my curves. Not only did it show more, but it showed my scars, they stood out from the rest of my body.

It always scared me when I wore clothes that showed my body, I felt like someone would turn into Bruce and hurt me. Then it hit me. I didn't see anyone else besides the turtles and Splinter. I trusted then with my life, I can trust them enough to do this. Donnie always said take a step forward, you may think you're not ready for it but you'll never know unless you try.

I sighed deeply as I looked at my cuts. They were completely healed and not red anymore. The only thing that was left was small bumps with pale markings. I could do this, I thought as I put on my my sock and slippers.

I walked out of my room and went down the stairs and into the living room to find the turtles were done with their morning training. Wow, I guess I took longer today then I normally. I stood where I was until they noticed me.

"Hey Riles! What took ya so- wow..." Raph started to say but completely stopped when he turned around and saw me. His reaction made all of the turtles turn around as well and stare at me. I shifted around uncomfortably and bit the inside of my cheek. Ok, this was definitely a mistake.

"Uh, sorry. I'll go and change back." I muttered as I frowned and headed back to my room to change back into the baggy long sleeved shirt that I had on earlier. I definitely wasn't ready for this step.

"No, wait." Raph said as he ran over to me to stop me.

"I didn't mean it like that. You're beautiful, I'm just surprised to see you like this. I know this took a lot of courage for you, I'm sorry Riley." He mustered together as he gently hugged me and brought me back to the living room where the turtles were eating their breakfast.

I didn't look at them as I grabbed a bowl of cereal and a bowl. I sat down next to Mikey and Leo and started to eat my breakfast. Mikey looked over to me and gave me a reassuring smiled which caused me to feel comfortable again.

As I munched on my food, I thought back to how amazing things have been going. There was no trouble around me. Everything just felt small too me, I was happy and that was all that mattered now. I only hoped that it would stay like this.

"Guys, we're running low on food, do you want me to call April and Casey and see if they can swing by to drop some stuff off?" Donnie said as he got up and inspected the refrigerator to see if there was any food left. To be honest, there wasn't much. I had eaten most of the fruit and vegetables that the turtles never touched and the only thing left was condiments and frozen pizza in the freezer.

"Whose April and Casey?" I asked no one in particular as I took a bite of my cereal.

"They're our other friends, they're humans. We've known them since we were teenagers. But now that we're 20 and they're married, we don't see them as much as we used too. You saw that picture of them the first time you came here, remember?" Donnie said.

I thought back to the first night I came to the sewers, it felt like years ago but it was only last week. I remember staring at a picture that Don showed me of them when they were younger.

"Oh, yeah." I mumbled under my breath.

For a minute there, I thought that I was the only other friend of turtles. But I wasn't.

I glanced at Leo as he picked up the phone and tossed it to Donnie which he gladly grasped and started to punch in different numbers into the keypad, making a bunch of beeps and boops.

What if they don't like me?

What if they want me to leave?

What if they don't think I'm good to be with their friends?

What if...?

"Hey April! How's it going? Good, good, we're a good here! We actually made a new friend, she lives with us now. Yeah. Leo's fine, so is everyone else. Splinter asked about you the other day. So look, we're running low. You mind coming over to- oh great thanks so much! Great, we'll see you in a hour, bye!"

"So does that mean I'm going to meet the both of them?" I asked as I put my bowl in the sink and started to clean up.

Please say no.

"Yup!"

Crap.


	11. Chapter 11: Dear Mr Panic Attack,

To say that I was uncomfortable around other people was an understatement. I was petrified of any person whom I didn't know personally. Walking in hallways or in the streets has always been a struggle, saying a sentence out loud in class is terrifying to me. I survived high school yet I can't survive meeting new people, especially people whom in trying to impress.

I sat down next to Mikey on the sofa as he played some fighting game against Raph on the big screen TV. I seemed interesting enough to get my nerves off of everything around me for a few seconds.

Mikey glanced at me in the corner of his eyes and grinned, causing a chain reaction for me to smirk at him back. He paused the game quickly, much to Raph's distaste and turned to me. He picked me up as fast as the ninja that he was was and set me down on his lap and continued the game.

My cheeks turned to a blood cherry red as I blushed hard. My face was burning. Raph turned around ad looked at me. He gave me this smile that looked like he was saying, 'I told ya so'.

"M-Mikey!" I stuttered saying and tried to get off of him but he held onto me tight with a hug, never losing his concentration on the game.

"What? I need my good luck charm!" He laughed out loud.

I huffed where I was as I pretended to look angry when I really was just embarrassed. Cuddling with another person was a big NO before I met the turtles but now, it's not the same. They've changed me.

"Guys! April and Casey are here!" I turned around quickly and saw a couple carrying large bags in their arms and talking to Donnie. They seemed to be catching up and laughing with each other. I felt like shrinking in Mikey's lap and just staying there hoping that they wouldn't notice me.

It didn't last long though.

"Hey Riley! Come here, I want to introduce you!" Donnie called me over causing the other two humans to look at me and smile. I feel like I'm melting.

"Um Mikey?" I whispered to him.

"Yeah?" He said staring at the TV, not even noticing that I was still sitting on him and his death grip around my waist.

"Can you like, oh I don't know, let me go?" I whispered loudly hoping it would get his attention off of the video game.

"Uh? Oh! Yeah. Sorry about that." He said sheepishly as he let me go. I got off of the orange turtle and walked over to Donnie where he was still talking to the couple.

"Um hi there." I said shyly as I waved my hand slightly to get their attention so that I could go back to hiding.

The girl was definitely beautiful, she had straight red hair and colorful bright eyes. She looked completely opposite from me. She had a figure and stood confidently in it. I looked nothing like her. I had brown long waves and poop brown eyes. I didn't have a figure, I was just plainly skinny and had no confidence whatsoever. She looked in her late 20's, I was only 17.

The man standing next to her was tall and buff. He had dark black hair and chocolate eyes that stood out from his tan skin. He definitely worked out or did some other kind of physical activity to get him those many muscles.

"Hi there! My name is April and this is Casey! It's so nice to finally meet you!" She said loudly in a happy voice, the woman was bubbly, I give her that.

I opened my mouth to say my name but couldn't, my eyes widened as I realized that I just couldn't talk. It's not that j wouldn't because I didn't want to, but I just couldn't do it. I tried once more and it didn't work.

"This is Riley Matthews, she's our new friend. She's uh, a bit shy." Donnie said quickly for me when he realized too that I couldn't. The couple looked confused at first but shrugged it off and continued to talk.

"Riley... Matthews?" April said out loud, the expression on her face showed she was thinking hard about something which scarred me. Was there something wrong that I did.

"Yeah, that's me." I mumbled softly hoping to get her attention off of whatever it was that she was thinking hard about. I shifted slightly back and forth in the balls of my feet. My eyes kept staring down at my slippers.

"How old are you?" Casey asked as his eyebrows raised up at me. I felt uncomfortable as he looked me up and down.

"Uh, 17." I whispered under my breath and I wrapped my arms around my body. Today probably was a bad day to wear a short sleeved shirt.

"Drat, still a minor!" He cursed under his breath as his fingers made a snap that echoed throughout the lair. April hit him in the stomach and muttered 'perv'. Yep, I didn't think that I possibly could've been more awkward. Casey had proved me wrong.

I part of me is thinking that he's going to be proving me wrong for a long time now.

"Oh! I know who you are! You're the girl that was on the news" April said loudly, casing me to jump from the sudden jolt of surprise.

Man, what is wrong with this woman?! I wanted to tell her to calm down it to at least get her husband to stop giving her coffee but that probably would've been rude. No, you would have to know me better for me to say snarky and rude remarks that I won't feel guilty about in the future.

April wasn't even close.

"Who was on what news?" Leo said as he walked into the kitchen where we were talking. Casey had already put most of the food away during introductions and Leo came along to help him.

"Riley was, I remembered her name when Donnie told me it a few days ago but I couldn't put my finger on it until now." April said as she dug through her bag only to pull out her phone and start tapping with her nails.

"You see, there was this news broadcast of this crazy lady and she kept mentioning Riley here. Look, just watch this..." She said as she passes me the phone and pressed play, all of the turtles crowdedness around me to get a quick peek as to what she was talking about.

The dark screen lit up to show a reporter outside of the Smith's apartment with police and ambulances around. People crowded, trying to get a looks as to what happened, even though I knew what this was all about.

"Thanks Sarah, I am standing here outside on Eastman avenue where a terrible thing has occurred tonight. Earlier this evening, a woman by the name of Taylor Smith left her apartment at precisely 8 pm, she later came back at midnight to find her husband, Bruce Smith, completely slaughtered.

There is no forensic evidence as to who murdered Mr. Smith for the authorities to trace with. All the police know was that no one in the apartment was home besides Bruce. The only other person who lives with them is a teenage girl, by the name of Riley Matthews, who is currently missing. Now Taylor testifies for Riley saying that the girl was gone for three day before the murder. Ms. Matthews is foster child who usuals leaves for several days without notice.

Here is an interview recorded earlier concerning Riley's disappearance by Mrs. Smith."

I quickly paused the video before the clip started. My head felt like it was going to fall off of my shoulders as I processed what had happened.

"Why the hell would Taylor testify for me?! She hates me, she's hated me since she's met me! I have the bruises, I can show you!" I said furiously, almost throwing April's phone on the floor before Raph grabbed it from my hands and started to play it again.

The screen showed Taylor, puffy faced and red eyed with a dry tissue in her hand. The sight of her made me want to scream.

"I only hope that I can find Riley in time, she's such a treasure and I adore her immensely. Her favorite animals are turtles, you know."

My back straightened as she talked, "No, they're not." I whispered under my breath in spite. "I like dogs."

"To assist me with this great task, I ordered the help of Saki's Industry to find my poor girl. My good friend, Karai, has already put everything in preparation to keep Riley off the streets. Thank you."

The screen went dark.

"She's using the Shredder! When I see that two faced bitch with fake boo-" Raph yelled out as he put his hands on his sais, ready to attack the first thing that moves for revenge.

"Woah, wait a minute! Who is the Shredder?" I asked as Mikey put his arm around me to get me to calm down which didn't really help much.

All of the turtles looked at each other and then back at me. They looked tense and nervous but most of all uncomfortable. They looked like me whenever I met new people. The tables had turned.

"He was our worst enemy, he died a while back but that doesn't mean that his army isn't still alive. His second in command, Karai, still runs the show. We've been fighting them ever since. And now they've got their lock on you." Leo said as he banged his fist on the countertops.

I shuttered at the thought of more people, more people who were going to hurt me when they don't even know me. I mean, who's kidding? No one really wants to get to know me.

"Why? Why do they want me?" I whispered. I crouched closer into Mikey's grasp, hoping that his warm would somehow be able to calm me down from the panic attack that I was probably going to have.

"They probably saw us when we were following you on the way to your apartment. They must've followed and got you connected with us. I'm guessing that they think you're their next target." Raphael said.

Insert panic attack here.


	12. Chapter 12: Realization Hits

"Riley? You ok in there?" Donnie knocked on the door loud enough to wake up the entire lair. I gasped for air and started to cough out water from my lungs when I heard his voice. I quickly wiped the water from my eyes and responded.

"Y-yeah, Don! I'm fine." I yell out.

I really wasn't. After Leo explained everything to me, I had a panic attack and had to run away into my room for an hour to try and get myself to calm down. I wouldn't let anyone in, not even Mikey.

The turtles had seen me cry enough times, they didn't need to add another hysterical water works to their list. I always feel so guilty after I cry, as if I shouldn't because it makes me seem weak.

Bruce always has one rule and that was not to cry in front of him. At first, it was hard to contain my tears and sadness but after a while, I just stopped feeling. It was like everything around me got numb. There wasn't anymore pain, but I felt more dead inside than ever.

"I am not okay." I whispered under my breath as I stared blankly in front of me. I wasn't getting better, I'd like to think I am but I'm truly not.

But that's the thing, I want to get better. I want to be better for my friends. I want to be better for my parents even though they're not here. I want to be better for Mikey.

It's weird to think that I like a turtle. And a turtle that I've known for less than a month, in fact. But I can't explain it. He makes me feel like something that I've never been able to feel before. But I can't tell him that.

I can't ruin the friendship that we already have. Sure, he acts all flirty but that's just his personality, I guess.

So here I am, taking probably the longest bath in history, just sitting in the tub with warm water and staring at nothing as I think.

My eyes glance at the water that I'm in and I start to sink a little deeper every few seconds until every part of my body is surrounded by water. The only thing that is dry is my face as I close my eyes. Soon, I am completely under water and I can't breath, I won't let myself breath.

Maybe, if I stay like this for a little while longer than maybe I won't have to deal with any of this for a second longer. Maybe I won't have to go through all of the trouble that I think is going to happen. Maybe then Mikey can find someone else, someone who isn't me.

No.

I want to like Mikey, I want to have a future with him. I want to continue living with the turtles, I want to have long conversations with Splinter.

I want to have Leo by my side as I meditate and help me when I make mistakes.

I want Raph to go out and buy me a bunch of junk food when I feel like it because I know that he's going to be there for me when I need him.

I want Donnie and I to talk and joke and teach me things that I feel like I'll never need in life because no one can do it better than him.

I want April to be my friend and prove to her that I am worthy and that hopefully, she'll be the sister I never had.

I want Mikey...

Because I love him.

I love Michelangelo.

I gasp for air as I come back up and choke out the water for my body. My eyes hurt and my lungs are burning but I don't care, I don't care because Mikey is the only person who's important to me now.

I love Mikey.

The only other two people that I've said I've loved where my parents and they meant the world to me. And now so does Mikey.

I quickly hop out of the shower and dry myself off with the fluffy towel at my side. I brush my hair out and put it in a braid. I change into my pjs as fast as I could and walked out of the bathroom.

My head was starting to hurt immensely, I need to to sleep it off. I couldn't tell Mikey that I loved him, not yet at least. I walked into my room and turn off all of the lights as I cover myself under the warm blankets to heat myself back up. The sewers were getting colder now that it was getting closer to winter.

"Ok, ok. Just fall asleep, Riley. You can do it. In 1, 2, 3, SLEEP! Crap this isn't working. Ok, fine, you want to be like this. I can play your silly games, I'll just stare at the clock, no biggie."

My eyes widened bigger and bigger every second that passed. I think I'm crying, ok, ow.

I groaned as I threw my face into my pillow. I turned awkwardly from side to side hoping to find a position to would feel comfortable to me but nothing worked. Why did I have to have a realization right before I go to sleep?

"Fuck it." I mumbled under my breath as I threw my covers off and walked out of my room. Maybe some TV could help me fall asleep faster, but apart of me knew that wasn't going to the living room to watch TV.

A part of me knew that if I didn't fall asleep, I would walk out of my room and stand in front of Mikey's door. Which is exactly where I found myself.

I sucked a breath in and let it go quietly. Here goes nothing. I turned the nob and opened the door, not bothering to knock since I already knew he was asleep.

Mikey's room was way more cleaner that Raph's. It was still a mess but then again, no one can be that perfect. The walls were painted tangerine with posters covering every wall of it. There were colored pencils and paint brushes scattered across the floor, I never would have pegged him as an artistic kind of guy before.

Mikey was sound asleep in his bed, the only thing that was poking out was his head. His mask laid on his night stand and exposed his face with cute freckles.

"Um, Mikey?" I whispered as I poked his cheek gently to try and get him to wake up.

"Hm?...Riley?" He said after a few seconds and opened one of his brightly colored baby blue eyes. His face was groggy but made me want to smile.

"What's the matter? Did something happen?"

"No, no, um, I just couldn't fall asleep. And I was just wondering-"

"Get in here." he said as he chuckled and grabbed me. Mikey threw his blankets over me and hugged me tightly.

Both of our bodies were pressed together, his chin laying on top on my head and my face in his chest. It was warm. My cheeks turned bright red as he cuddled closer to me and our bodies touched.

Maybe I could survive if I had Mikey by my side every night.


	13. Chapter 13: Therapy

It turned from being a day,

to a week,

to a month,

to now two months.

I've lived in the sewers for two months now. Every night the turtles would leave around midnight and not come back until it was 3. From those times, I felt so alone. Splinter was here but it wasn't the same. From 12 to 3, I slept alone in Mikey's bed, staring at the clock, counting the minutes until he came and we would sleep together.

It was a habit having Mikey by my side as I slept. Sometimes, I couldn't even close my eyes without him there by my side. It was weird yet so comforting.

"Riley?"

"Hm? Oh yeah! Sorry." I said sheepishly as I remembered what was happening around me. Donnie sat across from me, tapping his finger against the clip board that he held in his hand.

It has turned to custom for Donnie and I to talk everyday, as if he was my therapist helping me with my problems. Its been nice but every time we talk, I get the need to tell him about Mikey. About how I fell in love with him and what the hell I should do about it.

"So um, I've been 2 months clean now I guess. It's the longest that I've lasted. I'm real proud of that." I said as I hugged my knees and sat in a little ball in the leather chair.

"Good, that's good. Has anything come up that you need to talk about?" He said aimlessly as he scribbled stuff down on his clipboard.

I bit the bottom of my lip as I thought of telling Donnie about what was happening. Just...gosh, fuck it.

"Well, there's a reason why I keep going everyday, a reason why I keep moving and wake up every morning." I said as I looked everywhere else but Don.

"Hm?"

"It's Mikey, I fell in love with Mikey." I whispered as a small smile formed on my lips and I blushed slightly.

Donnie looked up at me from his clipboard and had a look of surprise on his face. His chocolate brown eyes went wide and his mouth fell.

"Mikey? As in our Mikey? The Mikey that wears orange and is my little brother. That Mikey?" Donnie said.

"Yeah, I don't know why. I can't explain it. He makes me feel like something that I've never felt before. I just can't tell him how I feel, I bet he doesn't even like me." I said as my smile fades when the realization hit me. It wasn't something that I really hadn't thought about before.

"And how do you know that?" He's eyebrow ridge went up in curiosity.

"I don't know."

Donnie sighed as he got up and helped my up off of the chair. He gave me a big hug and ran his fingers through my hair to calm me down.

"Look, I've got an idea. Just hide somewhere, I'll be back." He said as he gently pushed me towards the closet and walked out of the lab.

I stood there I second before I was able to process what exactly had happened. I was curious at first as to what Donnie had in plan but quickly took action. My heart was beating fast as I walked into the closet and closed the door slightly, leaving only a small bit open for air.

"Don, what's going on? Where's Riley?" I heard Mikey say from the hallway as he walked into the room behind Donnie.

He looked scared and surprised as if he thought I was hurt or something had happened to Leo or Raph. Donnie simply ignored him and sat down in his usual seat as he motioned for Mikey to sit where I sat earlier. I wanted to chuckle under my breath at Mikey's reaction but it would probably be better to not blow my cover.

"Riley's fine, she went to go take a nap. Everyone's fine. The real reason I asked you here is cause I have a question for you. What are your feelings towards Riley?" He said discreetly as he went back to scribbling on his clipboard.

My back straighten as he asked Mikey. Why the hell would Donnie do that? It's basically like he's blowing my cover right away? Is he trying to tell Mikey that I love him?

"Uh why are you asking me this, Don?"

"Just answer the question."

"I like her, Donnie. A lot. Probably more than I should but I don't know. How can she like a thing like me? We're turtles, Don. We're not human. But apart of me thinks that she likes me back.

She doesn't say 'I love you' like a normal person. Instead, she'll laugh, shake her head, give you a little smile and say, 'You're an idiot.' If she tell you your an idiot, then you're a lucky man. Or in this case, a turtle." Mikey said passionately as a cheeky smile played in his lips.

I covered my mouth with my hands to stop myself from making any noise, I wanted to jump out of the closet and tell him everything but then I realized, I can't. If I can barley talk to a person that I've just met, then how can I confess to a person that I love. How can I tell him my feelings when I'm just too shy?

"Ok Mike, thanks."

"Uh that's it? You're not even going to tell me why you called me in here? Nothing?" Mikey scoffed as he got up off of his chair. Donnie simply shook his head no and smiled at his little brother. Mikey smiled back as he rolled his eyes and left the room.

I waited a few seconds before I came out of the closet but I couldn't. The realization of Mikey liking me back was staring to hit me. My heart felt like it was pushing out of my chest, it was beating so had and fast. My fingers went numb and my face was biting as hot as firewood.

Mikey actually liked me.

"Uh Riley? Are you going to come out now or are you just going to stay in there the entire day?" Donnie muttered curiosity as he opened the closet door slightly. The minute he did that, I didn't realize that my body was leaning on the door and fell down on my face.

"Wow, I knew you were shy before but we might as well add clumsy to the list." Don helped me back up on my feet.

"I've always been clumsy, it's just one of my minor qualities that I _prefer_ not to show." I muttered under my breath as I brushed off the fake dust that I thought was on my body when I fell.

I walked back to my usual chair and sat down. My arms wrapped themselves around my knees as I leaned back comfortably. I started to bit bits off on my nails to calm my nerves.

"What is it now?" Donnie groaned.

"Come sit." I said as I motioned for him to sit back in his 'doctor chair' to help me out.

Donnie sighed and grabbed the clipboard that he had and sat back down. I knew that I was tiring my poor friend out but I really did need the help.

"I don't know w-"

"Stop, just stop right there. You need something to distract yourself from all of this. Something to get your mind off of it so that not only I can take a moment to breathe but also you." Donnie said as he threw his board on the nearest desk and got right back up.

I got lazy and didn't feel like following him so I just stayed where I was and fiddled with my long hair. I could see in the corner of my eye that Don was rummaging through some boxes and messing with things up as he tried to find something. The sight of it was actually pretty funny, if I do say so myself.

Which I do.

When he finally found what he was looked for, Donnie pumped his fist up in the air which was very un-Donatello like of him. I chuckled as I shook my head and stared at his silliness, a side that I almost never saw if the purple clad turtle.

"Now I remember, seeing in your apartment room, a bunch of pictures that hanged on the walls by push pins. Those pictures looked like you took them with a worn out camera. Are you interested in photography, Riles?" He said as a smirk played on his lips tightly like he wanted to make a bright smile.

I nodded carefully to him, not exactly sure where he was going with this.

"Well Ms. Matthews, I give you one of the finest camera in New York City. And guess what? It's all yours."


End file.
